TO FOLLOW: http://robertnewmanmessageboard.yuku.com/topic/886 This is the song link...Life house...BROKEN http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SXUgexNrlMM (REMEMBER THE CASSIE MONTHS
NEVER HAPPENED!!)
The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow, from stealing all my time...
"I still remember the first time I saw her, she wasn't much younger than me; we were both just kids. She had these braided pigtails, hanging down her back, all golden in the sunshine, and as I recall, a damp sundress, the bottom
covered in mud from the creek. She was barefoot, she stuck her tongue out at me, and looked me square in the eyes while doin' it. Something about that
moment just stuck with me. All these years later, I can still catch a glimpse of that girl in your mamma's eyes," Josh's voice
broke.
Shayne was sitting beside Reva's hospital bed, he had her hand securely wrapped in his, and he smiled remembering how she would hold onto him so tight when he was little boy. Just take his hand right up like that. She had just finished another round of the newest experimental therapy the doctors had ordered. She was exhausted, and she hadn't woken up yet. He watched his daddy, sitting beside her, trying not to explode right out of his own skin with worry. This was the weakest she'd been so far; it seemed no matter what specialist Josh flew in, no one could stop the beast raging inside of her.
"Son, why don't you go grab something to eat. Marah will be here soon, and I'm sure you can't wait to see her." Josh's eyes told the story his words were trying to mask. He was scared, scared to death, and he didn't want Shayne to see it.
Shayne leaned over and gently kissed Reva's cheek. Josh had to turn his head and wipe away a tear as it slowly escaped the confines of his eye.
"I love you mama," Shayne whispered, "I'll be right back…I promise."
As he left the room he paused, gently resting his hand on Josh's shoulder. Josh reached up and covered Shayne's hand, he couldn't speak. Understanding, Shayne left his parents alone, for a moment he hesitated outside her door.
"Reva, Darlin." Josh's voice was soft, and soothing, washed with tears, "baby, can you hear me, I'm right here."
He rested his head on her chest, and closed his eyes, listening to her breathing underneath him. He longed to take the treatments for her. He wanted to just collect up all of her pain and send it away, but he couldn't. He had no idea how to help her. He had always been able to rescue her, to fight off whatever was wrong, but this time, an invisible force was slowly defeating them.
Reva heard Josh's voice, he sounded so far away, and so sad. She fought back the darkness and fog surrounding her, and reaching out from the
other side of it, she gripped his hand.
I am still here waiting, though I have my doubts
I am damaged at best, though you've already figured out...
"Reva, Reva, it's ok, just…it's ok." He said gently stroking her check.
He ran his fingers along her, tracing the outline of her face. He felt almost afraid to touch her, for fear his own skin against hers would cause her more pain. He wanted her …he willed her to wake up. He would even take a fight to hear her speak. The tears escaped him as he watched the rise and fall of her chest. He wondered if she…if he…could make it if she…if she…
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart, that's still beating….
He would not allow the thought to turn to words and fall from his lips. Not a superstitious man by nature, there were certain lines he felt should not be crossed. She continued to stir, but her eyes remained closed. Where was she he wondered, did she feel any pain right now, or was she resting comfortably somewhere inside of herself.
Reva softly moaned, the pain rising within. She thought she felt his hand dancing across her skin. She tried to call for him, but her words couldn't find their way….
In the pain, there is healing
In your name, I find meaning….
The door opened her doctor entered, charts in hand; he walked towards the bed and Josh. He looked Reva over.
"Has she been awake at all yet?" he asked.
"No, ah, no she hasn't", Josh answered rising, yet not letting go of her hand, his gaze dropping to the floor.
"She seems, um," Josh paused, clearing away the tears for a moment, "She seems to be in pain."
"Well, Mr. Lewis, I don't mean to be blunt, but pain is unfortunately going to be a primary outcome in the weeks and months ahead. This is all ah…ah guessing game of sorts, though I realize science and medicine appear to be more exact. I need to try and capture the right balance to treat the cancer. Everyone responds differently, as does every cancer."
He continued checking Reva's vital signs, as Josh watched, barely able to grasp the magnitude of her situation.
"Everything looks fine; I'll be back in a little while. Hopefully by then she will be awake and able to speak to me."
"Ok, ok…"Josh responded, he felt numb, "Thank you doctor."
As he was leaving, the doctor paused and said, "Mr. Lewis…"
Josh was seated again, but turned toward the door.
"Mr. Lewis, for what it is worth, she's lucky to have a man like you in her corner. If nothing more she knows you are there…she knows you love her. That alone has proven to be a valuable asset to most of my patients in similar situations."
Josh allowed his tears to decorate the bed sheet before him, as the doctor left the room. To Josh she was not just any patient. He was so afraid that she would not wake up, but he'd be damned if he'd let go of her like this. So many times, he thought as his eyes washed over her body so weak before him, that they were going to lose each other, yet every time they managed to right themselves. This time he had to hold on even tighter, because he could not imagine a world…his world without her in it.
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm
holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you….
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"Marah", Shayne shouted across the street.
She came running towards him. She looked beautiful, and as she rushed to his side, he felt the tears well up. She was his big sister, the one who comforted him as much as teased him. He needed her to be there so that they could both help Josh. She wrapped her arms around him as he pulled her into his embrace.
"Shayne, Shayne," Marah said, pulling back and looking into his eyes, "how's mama, oh my God how bad is this."
"She sick Marah, real sick, I've never seen her like this...and…and" his voice broke trailing off into some horrible place he didn't want to be.
"And what," Marah's voice was laced in concern.
"And dad, oh Marah, I've never seen...he is so, so scared. He looks like he's gonna die himself sometimes."
Marah struggled to pull herself together. She had seen her parents struggle through so many things. Fighting back tears of her own, she ushered
Shayne inside with hushed words full of a false confidence. She would assess the situation herself before she would allow her panic to rise any higher.
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Reva lay in state of imaginary awareness; she was neither here nor there, but aware enough to wish that she had been able to hide all of
this from him. She knew it was hurting Josh, and though she felt at times that he would be better off away from her, she realized this time she needed him as
much as he needed her. She was never much good at hiding from him; he always knew where to look for her. He had known
that night in their bed, she remembered the moment, she had tried to hide it but he had figured it out…
"Reva, Reva, what is it…" Josh asked a wash of concern sweeping the bed.
"Josh, there is something I need to, have to tell you..." Reva's voice faltered, she swallowed back her tears.
"What Reva," he smiled, "Just don't say
it's that you want me to leave."
"Joshua..." Reva untangled himself from his body,
"Joshua...I, I have breast Cancer."
The words nearly broke her as they spilled from her lips. She felt the shockwave they carried with them surround the room. There it was out, cold and dark…a
terrifying ending to a most perfect connection. Reva braced herself as she teetered on the edge of the unknown.
Josh sighed soft and slow, she felt as if time were suspended, waiting, counting each and every breath…heartbeat, waiting for her fate to be sealed.
"I know, I've known for a month now." His voice was tender, soft and even.
His hand reached hers; bridging the dark, empty space of the unknown, the abyss she was falling so fast into, and he caught her. Swept her into his embrace and showered her with the love she had been missing all this time.
"How," she gasped pulling away for a moment, trembling under the weight of a world now lifted onto her husband's, her lover's shoulders.
"It doesn't matter, all that matters is that I knew no matter how much you promised not to keep things from me, you would spare me any hurt you could, and I respect that. So I searched for you because this time I knew you Reva, I knew like never before, now then let's fight this thing, together."
"But, but the Veteran's Center," she began," your dreams are…ruined because of me."
"No," he said looking into her eyes, "Not ruined, just …just added to…with the Reva Shayne Lewis Cancer Treatment Wing. Only the best of the best for you….."
She was so tired, she could hear him calling her now, but she was so tired…
The broken locks were a warning, you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead…
He could still see her in his mind, dancing along barefoot in the sand. He wanted to hold the memories trace their names on that shore. He could feel each moment, every step along the way. He thought of her as his savior, no matter what the cost. Though now he was afraid that his best intentions might not be enough, perhaps this all would take her away in the end. He watched her sleeping, he saw her labored breath.
"There has to be some life left," he whispered, "Reva please come back."
I still see your reflection, inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose, they're still looking for life…
He took her hand, he took her heart, and he stole her away inside of him again…he looked to the sky for angels, but saw only the ceiling instead….
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart, that's still beating….
"God please how do I know if this is right?" Josh kissed her hand.
In the pain…in the pain… is there healing?
In your name… In your name… I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on , I'm still holdin', I'm holdin' on, I'm still holdin', I'm holdin' on, I'm still holdin'...
I'm barely holdin' on to you…..
He needed to be strong for her, he needed to be there. After all of this time he could not fail her now. He took an ice cube, out of the cup beside her bed, he slowly traced it across her lips, putting it down he wiped her forehead with a damp washcloth. He would sit here beside her forever if that is what it took…
I'm hangin' on, another day
Just to see what, you will throw my way….
Suddenly Reva shifted, her head rolled to the side. She could her him talking, she could fell his touch. She willed her eyes to open, moving back the fog; she needed to see him, she need to call his name….
"Joshua…" she said so softly.
She startled him with her eyes. Blue and so unchanging, inviting him inside. He couldn't help the tears as they found their way; she slowly reached her hand up and brushed them away. Her touch was just like butterfly wings, her voice so very comforting.
"Joshua… it is ok, I'm right here with you."
And I'm hanging on, to the words you say
You said that I will, I'll be ok……
He collapsed onto her, and she smiled.
"How can you be so sick and be still be here for me," he laughed.
"Because, Bud, I love you."
Marah and Shayne entered the room, watching their parent's embrace, like an audience to a performance not meant for their eyes. Reva looked over his shoulder and saw them standing there…
"Marah…Shayne," she whispered.
"Mom we're home." They said, trying to cope with how she appeared, yet comforted by the presence of both parents.
The broken lights on the freeway, left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home….
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Later that night after Marah and Shayne left for the comfort of Cross Creek…
The doctor pulled Josh aside.
"Mr. Lewis, I'm afraid the results are not what we hoped for. "
Josh felt the room shift, the floor slipping from under his feet. His world was crashing but he would not accept defeat.
"There must be something, something more that we can do…" he looked through the window into the room where she lay sleeping.
"Mr. Lewis, I want you to understand..." the doctor began, a speech he gave daily, but not to a man like Josh.
"No, I want you to understand…she is my…my wife, my best friend, she is my soul, and without here there is no me." Josh's voice was full of business, not to be crossed on any level. "I will not give her up, so let's keep going!"
The doctor looked Josh over; he saw all he needed to see.
"We will continue to try, Mr. Lewis, I just wanted you to…to be prepared in case she…in case she…"
"Don't you say it…don't you ever say it..." Josh walked away.
He made his way back into her room. He sat beside her, and breathed in the sweet scent of her. He would not let her go; he would not tell Marah and Shayne, or Dylan, and Jonathan that their mother was gone.
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart, that's still beating…
He climbed softly into the bed beside her, carefully cradling her in his arms. He allowed the tears to come as he felt her warmth beside him. He couldn't stop from falling so far in his fear, yet something about her presence soothed his soul tonight.
"God I do love you," he whispered kissing the top of her head, and closing his eyes.
"I love you too Bud…now what's wrong?" she whispered, so sleepily.
He just held her there, fighting for his own breath….
"Nothing Reva, you are here beside me, what could possibly be wrong…"
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart, that's still beating
In the pain, In the pain… there is healing
In your name, In your name… I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm still holdin', I'm holdin' on, I'm still holdin, I'm holdin' on… I'm still holdin'...
I'm barely holdin' on to you….
She smiled and settled into his embrace. Josh noticed the doctor looking into the room. He closed his eyes, and held Reva a little tighter…she didn't need to worry, he was there, and nothing would hurt her as long as he was there….
I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what, you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on, to the words you say
You said that I will, I'll be ok….
WRITTEN BY : TANIA ROBERTS
LYRICS BY: LIFEHOUSE... BROKEN
RACHEL B. THIS IS MY THANK YOU, YOU KNOW WHY... JEVA FANS AND EVERYONE ENJOY!!
